Parenting by Bridle or Understanding

“Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.” Psalm 32:9

If a horse or mule loses its bit and bridle, it also loses its way. A horse and mule controlled by the bit and bridle is in compliance only by the hand of its Master. The minute the Master releases his grip, the horse and mule go their own way. Such work for the Master! It’s as if the Master has become the slave of the horse and mule, wouldn't you say?

Man does needs the constant hand of God to guide him or her, but we are unique in that we can also obey God from our inner desire to do what is right. We have a heart that can not only know the rules to obey, but understand and follow God’s word because we want to. As followers of Jesus we need not be like the horse or the mule where we obey God only out of fear, but follow Him out of love and devotion.

Our relationship with the Lord teaches us so much about raising children. His fatherly love and discipline shows us the example we need to walk in when it comes to raising a family for God. We need to raise children to be obedient to God and to their parents from their inner desire to do what is right, not out of a fear of punishment.

If we lead our children with a heavy hand of fear, we can count on them responding just like the horse and mule when our hand is lifted. Instead of being their parent, we become our child's slave. If you find yourself restating the rule and having to be in your child’s presence to keep them in obedience to you, your child has become accustomed to your bit and bridle. However, leading our children with empowerment, gives them choices and responsibility that frees them from this tether.

Notice that Psalm 32:9 says that the horse and mule have “no understanding.” This means that the horse and mule obey mindlessly by force. The best ways to empower your children to obey you and God is to give them understanding. We can do this in a number of ways, but one in particular that has had the most success for me in raising children who obey their parents and God out of loyalty not compulsion is teaching the why behind the rule.

Just stating the rule to our children with the addendum of “because I said so” latches a bit upon their behavior. But if you give them the understanding behind the rule, they are more likely to follow it because they grasp its practical consequences if not obeyed. Teach the why in light of others not just themselves and teach the why with the guidance of scripture so they see God in every situation.

For example, a young child needs to pick up his toys and put them back where they belong. This is the rule. The why is because someone might trip over the toys and hurt themselves badly; you might add, “If mommy is carrying your little brother and I trip over the toy, what will happen to your little brother?” The child might respond, “He will fall out of your arms and hurt himself.”  Suddenly the child has gained a wider perspective for the rule and a heart for his mother and little brother. Paraphrasing Philippians 2:4 you might say, “God wants us to always look out for others not just for ourselves.” You have given your child a rule, understanding and wisdom, three essential elements of successful parenting.

This practice eventually teaches your child how to think for himself not just what to think. We want to raise children who can discern for themselves what the right decision to make is and what is the wrong. This moves them to maturity and independence, giving us the responsibility to influence them, not coerce them. If we have the influence, we have the kind of relationship that keeps our children coming back to us again and again.